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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

25 Greatest "Conservative Movies"




Here are the top 25 "conservative movies", according to The National Review. I'm sure these filmmakers are thrilled that these "Joe Six-Packs" relate so well to their movies. WHOOPS.

I haven't seen a bunch of these, but I'm going to try to guess why these particular movies are great "conservative movies" ahead. I'm really just grasping at straws here, though.

1. The Lives of Others (2007)
-I'm guessing they like this movie because there is a lot of spying and warrantless wiretapping (something these guys are very fond of), but I'm very surprised this is their #1 conservative movie. I mean, it's GERMAN. They speak GERMAN in it. What are they, a bunch of Nazi lovers? We speak AMERICAN here, buddy. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

2. The Incredibles (2004)
-I'm personally offended that conservatives love this movie so much, because I do, too. Am I secretly a closet conservative? Nah, I can't be... I don't like country music and white supremacy enough. I'm guessing they like this movie because it's about a white man protecting his white family from all the evil forces that want to break up his family and make them all marry people of their same sex... I think. It's been awhile since I've seen the movie.

3. Metropolitan (1990)
-This is a really hilarious entry. "Metropolitan" is a great film, but it's all about really wealthy, entitled, snobbish white people hanging out with other wealthy, entitled, snobbish white people and going to country clubs and private balls and stuff. I can totally see why they would relate to this movie though, this is probably an accurate depiction of their youth in their "Young Republican" clubs.

4. Forrest Gump (1994)
-Stupid, "slow" hillbilly white guy grows up, pulls himself up by his bootstraps and leads an extraordinary, somewhat fraudulent life because he tried really hard and was in the right places at the right times. And no, it's not about Joe The Plumber.

5. 300 (2007)
-KILL! KILL! MURDER! BLOOD! HONOR! HOMO-EROTICISM! NAKED DUDES! KIIL! KILL!

6. Groundhog Day (1993)
-It beats me why this is a "conservative movie". Maybe they relate to it because Reaganomics is sorta like "Groundhog Day"... they keep giving tax breaks to the wealthy, "hoping" someday it'll somehow trickle down to the poor and needy people, but it never does. Their economic principles are a virtual Groundhog Day of horror that never seem to end or change.

7. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
-Look at this black man, he didn't need welfare to achieve! He didn't need any sort of government help! He worked twice as hard as all the white guys at his office, pulled himself up by his bootstraps and achieved the American Dream! Yeah, he was almost like an Autistic semi-genius, but he did it! Can we end Black History Month now?

8. Juno (2007)
-Teenager chooses to have her baby. Inspires Bristol Palin and countless other conservative teenagers to follow Juno when their "ego is preggo". I'm pretty sure if Juno was an actual person (impossible, I know... I don't think hamburger phones exist), she'd be pretty upset that she was a conservative icon. I'm sure Diablo Cody is thrilled though.

9. Blast from the Past (1999)
-I'm guessing they like this movie because it takes them back to the past, a time when they were the white, powerful majority, when black people had separate water fountains, when women were barefoot and in the kitchen and when gay people weren't trying to constantly molest their children. Ahhh, the good ol' days!

10. Ghostbusters (1984)
- Are the ghosts like Al Qaeda or something? Or are they Iraqi civilians? I'm a little lost here.

11. Lord of the Rings (2001, 2002, 2003)
-Maybe the ring is socialism, and they are trying to destroy the ring in the volcano, but everybody wants the ring because socialism helps make the poor and needy (the Hobbits) into powerful beings who can overthrow the evils of pure capitalism? Dick Cheney is definitely Gollum.

12. The Dark Knight (2008)
-Batman had to illegaly tap and spy on every citizens phones so he could locate the Joker and arrest him. Warrantless wiretapping help keep us safe, everybody! It's for our own good! Don't question authority, they're trying to protect us... like Batman!

13. Braveheart (1995)
-Fighting for freedom! And stuff! YEAH!

14. A Simple Plan (1998)
-I have no idea what this movie is about... maybe it's about fixing results and messing with the voting machines? That seems like the Republicans simplest, most effective plan to winning national elections.

15. Red Dawn (1984)
-I don't know what this is about, but maybe it's a Red Scare movie that shows a heroic Reagan fighting off those Commie scum, ever so coldly.

16. Master and Commander (2003)
-This movie is probably a huge hit with the Navy guys, who predominantly vote conservative. I haven't seen it though.

17. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (2005)
-This is like a Christian "Lord of the Rings", so I can see why it'd be a big "conservative movie".

18. The Edge (1997)
-I don't know what this is... maybe it's about the Republican party dangling off the edge of a cliff? I mean, their party is practically irrelevant and dying, and it's become mostly a regional party, only powerful in the south and midwest. They're definitely on the edge of relevance.

19. We Were Soldiers (2002)
-More war movies. They're suckers for this movie genre. They just like war so much. They'll even invent an illegal war against an oil-rich country and kill hundreds of thousands of their civilians... for fun!

20. Gattaca (1997)
-I'm not sure, but isn't this movie about the future or something? I haven't seen it, but maybe this movie doesn't show the people suffering from any effects of global warming, making their ridiculously backwards argument that global warming is a myth after all. I'm really stretching here.

21. Heartbreak Ridge (1986)
-I'm not sure what this is either, but it's probably about cowboys, acting all manly and stuff. And having their hearts broken too, on that ridge that the cowboys play on. BROKEBACK YA'LL!

22. Brazil (1985)
-Futuristic Orwellian society where the government controls everything and there is no personal freedom (good, American freedoms, like guns and ignorance... not those bad freedoms for gay people and minorities). It sounds like a conservative nightmare!

23. United 93 (2006)
-Conservatives have hijacked 9/11, professing they love it more than those godless liberals and using that awful day to politicize their warped views. They claim exclusivity on that day, even though they were in charge of the government when it happened and ignored the threat report titled "Bin Laden Determined To Attack Inside The U.S.", which the Bush administration received in May 2001. But don't tell that to Rudy "A noun, a verb, and 9/11" Guiliani!

24. Team American: World Police (2004)
-Hahaha, those liberals are so stupid! Look at Matt Damon... he just says his name a lot! And Alec Baldwin and Tim Robbins are planning to attack America and stuff! Haha! Dude, Michael Moore's puppet is really fat in this movie! Like, fatter than usual! Haha!

25. Gran Torino (2008)
-Old, racist dude befriends some minority neighbors and helps protect them from the bad guys. I really liked "Gran Torino", but I knew that conservatives were going to like it too, and it made me not want to like it because I knew they'd like it, but I couldn't help it because it's still a really good movie. Clint Eastwood is too cool to hate on, even though he's a conservative. See, I'm not that bad.

2 comments:

Alexis and Casey Treese said...

I cant believe you have seen all these and remember them enough to add your 2 cents!

Riot Grrrl said...

Nah, I've only seen 13 of the 25. I just made up a bunch of stuff, solely based on the title of the movies.

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