You are what you like.

snitches get stitches

Saturday, June 28, 2008


So I'm always writing about stuff I like on here, raving on about how great something is (as if anybody cares). So I'm going to get my L.D. on and write about some of the things I don't like. Which is a lot of stuff, believe me. I try to hide this negativity from the world usually, and I swear I'm a real nice guy (too nice, in my opinion), but it's time to sip on that haterade. Also, don't be offended if you participate in any of these things, I'm not trying to single anybody out, it's not you, it's me, yadda yadda yadda.

- I don't like it when people say "I miss your face!" or "I love your face!" on facebook. Why just the face? And what does that even mean anyway?

- I don't like dancing shows. I don't care if somebody thinks they can dance, or which dance crew is better, or which celebrity athlete looks the best in his sequined shirt while doing the tango with an orange Barbie. I guess I just don't like dancing in general. I've never once seen somebody dancing and thought "Oh wow, that looks really cool" with the exception of MJ's "moonwalk". I just think that dancing is a primal form of communication, like people have been expressing themselves through dancing since the cavemen first began to throw bonfires. But we're in the 21st Century now, and we have advanced far enough in our communication and expression skills that we can leave the dancing out of the equation. Let me just say that I'm all for private dancing, like I bust moves in my car or my room while listening to T.I. like everybody else... but it must be my body-conscious issues that prevent me from dancing in public. I just think it's kind of obnoxious, especially "dance parties". Probably my biggest embarrassment of my adult life happened at a dance party I attended with an old girlfriend, so I tend to stay away from those too. I hope my future wife doesn't make me dance a lot at my wedding.

- I'm really sick of this ringtone rap with choreographed dance moves. You know my feelings about dancing, but I really don't like all these rappers making up dance moves so that they can possibly have a "club banga" and get played on the radio. I just can't respect an MC if I see him on MTV doing rehearsed, choreographed dance moves with his boys... I just can't get down with that. Could you imagine Biggie or Jay-Z dancing around like idiots doing the "Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It", "Lean Back", "Lean Like A Cholo", "Move Your Body Like A Cyclone" or that awful "Superman"? It's like it's Hammertime all over again. I think this ringtone rap is killing the hip-hop industry. These rappers aren't worried about perfecting their craft and making great albums, their goal is to make some simplistic, childish songs that repeat some inane dance move or slogan with tinny sounding beats, all the better to be heard on your phone so people can admire your ringtone. Seriously, look at these dudes dance. Are they supposed to be hard?

- I don't like Family Guy. I just don't like how random it is, and how we're supposed to laugh because of all the random, zany references to pop culture. There are a couple funny moments per show, but it's got too many moments where a character is like "Oh, that reminds me of the time that Steve Gutenberg and the Queen of England went river rafting down the Mississippi with a laptop and an antique bottle opener", followed by the mentioned sequence. I just think it's borderline anti-funny, and dangerously lazy comedy.

- I don't get genre-specific music fans. You know, metalheads, emo kids, or people that just listen to one type of music (hip-hop, electronic, indie, classic rock, classical, country, ect...). Now I'm not saying you have to like or even respect all types of music. I can totally understand not enjoying the profane and misogynistic lyrics in hip-hop, or the slightly homoerotic, beer guzzlin', flag wavin', anti-intellectual boasts of Wall-Mart country, or the coldness of electronic music... but I think it's really immature to be like "I only like (specific genre) music, and everything else is crap". It's takes musical maturity to enjoy some coke-rap, shoegaze, Debussy, M.I.A. and The Beatles back-to-back on your iTunes playlist. Let's be grown-ups.

- I don't understand people that still buy Hummers and these other gas-guzzling tanks. I mean, are you not a part of the world? Is global warming a liberal myth or do you just not give a crap about the world and how we leave it to our children? I mean, it's so not cool to drive these anymore, and they can't hardly resell them, I just don't get it. Are you trying to overcompensate for other short comings or something? Seriously, some douche at my church was driving this car pictured above. It made me want to throw up.

- Ok so obviously this emo music really resonates with the suburban kids these days, and it must mean a lot to them seeing that they go through all the trouble of putting a bunch of holes in their faces and everything, but why do they all have to sing the same? I mean, seriously? Every one of these bands sing the same. It actually has a name, accurately called "emo voice". I don't know of any music genre in the history of music where every band sings exactly the same as every other band, on purpose. I mean, these kids want to be different and unique and want to rebel against an unjust society, right? But they do this without an ounce of individuality, as their bands sound the same and their clothes are purchased at the gigantic chain store Hot Topic, found at every single mall across the country. The fact that these kids (and these bands) fall for this mass-marketed "individuality" is just sad. And seriously, stop with the "emo voice" already.

- I don't like it when guys wear sandals. I don't like to see men's feet. I'm sorry. It's like a major issue with me, I can't even be friends with a dude if he's rocking sandals. I just think it's weird... you're a guy, don't go around showcasing your toes and crap, nahmean? I just think it's a little feminine. I mean, even the GZA described something being "feminine like sandals" on his Liquid Swords album. I know I have body conscious issues and everything, but I just think that guys shouldn't show off their feet in tight, public spaces all that much. Seriously, everybody that I think is really cool don't walk around showing off their bunions. I've never seen Kanye West, Kurt Cobain, Thom Yorke or Andre 3000's feet. The only thing I liked about BYU-I was that I didn't have to sit in a classroom feeling uncomfortable looking at some dude's dirty, hairy feet. We don't want to see them. Wrap them up, brosef.

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