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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Brother Barack's Bracket

The Championship Game in college basketball is tomorrow. I don't follow college basketball. In fact, I don't even like college sports at all. I actively hate college football (it is the worst sport ever), but I just think college basketball is too slow and physical and low-scoring and the quality of play isn't very strong. I root for UNLV basketball, but other than that I just shut the sport out entirely.

My friend Cody always organizes a March Madness pool with like 20 of his friends, and it's always a pretty fun way to get through the tournament. Seriously, I don't even watch any of the games, but I always check our group to see where my uneducated guesses rank me amongst our other friends so that I could potentially talk some smack. It's a good time.

Anyways, Cody's big idea this year was for the winners of the pool to take home a nice little cash prize. Everybody that wanted to win had to put in 10 bucks at the beginning of the tournament. Only 12 guys payed, so the winner gets $72, 2nd place gets $36 and 3rd place gets $12. We were now not only "competing" for bragging rights... we had some paper on the line.

And so, desperately lacking in my college basketball expertise but desperately needing some C.R.E.A.M., I turned to the only person I could trust with something so important... PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. Seriously, I was on that Princess Leia-"Help me Obi Wan Obama, you're my only hope" tip, ya dig? So I just copied President Obama's bracket, team-for-team, putting my hopes and dreams in Brother Barack's hands. Barack Obama had just become the first black president in our notoriously-racist country's history... surely he could help me in my March Madness pool, right?

President Obama's/my bracket got off to a really slow start. After the first round we had only picked 19 right, and we were in last place in the pool. Obama was finally letting me down, and it was a little disheartening. This man had just outsmarted the Republican smear-machine, why couldn't he figure out this stupid college basketball tournament? Obviously President Obama was the busiest man on the planet... he probably didn't have any time to even watch basketball. Why did I trust him with my bracket? I was going to lose my $10, and lose a little hope in President Obama in the process.

Just as I was starting to finally be disappointed by something President Obama did, we led all pool members with a score of 28 in the second round. We were back in business baby! Why did I ever start to doubt you, Barack? I failed to see his master plan. Nobody puts baby Obama in the corner. We were rope-a-doping the pool like Ali in his prime, REAL TALK. And since that incredible comeback in the second round, we've been hovering on the outside, picking up a few here and a few there, and being let down by Memphis and Louisville, among others. But, as of tonight, on the eve of the championship game... we are in 4th place. Right outside of the cash prize. And we still have North Carolina.

It all comes down to North Carolina. If they win tomorrow night, I'm getting paid. By my calculations, if North Carolina wins tomorrow night I'm guaranteed a 2nd place finish, and I'm getting paid $36. So come on, North Carolina! Don't let President Obama down! Don't let the neighsayors from Horseville (30 Rock) keep us down. Don't give any further ammunition to the Glen Beck's and the Rush Limbaugh's of the world by losing this game. Rush wants the president to fail... I assume he wants his basketball bracket to fail as well, right? It is your patriotic duty to win this basketball game. And you could help me win some money too. CA$H RULE$ EVERYTHING AROUND ME.


Cody said...

Thanks for the shout out. Your actually in better shape than you think. If NC wins you win homie. Clay didn't pay!If Mich State wins, Casey wins.

Riot Grrrl said...

Doggie I can't believe I won! I'm so glad Clay didn't pay, I need that paper!
All praises due to Barack Obama. Jah bless.

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